Faltering faith goads God – bountifulness blamed.
God (via a spokesbeing, of course), via an unprecedented communication to the peoples of Earth, presaged increased stringency upon a plenteous Earth in the approaching era.
It is ‘time’ (as mortally perceived) to raise the bar on bounteousness,” the supernatural being intoned.
Rising population and higher living standards have widened the gap between plenteous and non-plenteous,” intonations further bemoaned.
Heavenly Father is moved to adjust ‘universal parameters’ against prodigality due to a reduced dependence upon His Eleemosynary Love that has resounded to the Highest Level.
SheepOverboard.com – one of a mere handful of media players graciously alerted by Divine e-mail on New Year’s Eve – was invited by single opportunity to seek clarification of the eEpistle’s unclear deeming… in a not only singular, but a singularly one-sided encounter.
A divinely-worded FAQ issued on behalf of The Supreme Entity was processed at Google Translate by the Theistic Babelizer.
It ordained as follows:
God of the known universe, Creator of all that exists, variously known as Jehovah, God, The Almighty, Allah, Elohim, King of Kings, Yalweh, Yahweh, Holy Ghost, I AM, and especially LORD, and who by precedence is God of all other Gods (simply, but awesomely, referred to as “God” in this document) proclaims a change in terms of the original contract negotiated with Adam and Eve – or equivalent negotiations for each of the religious franchises.
God has determined that rising affluence detrimentally influences the median faith indicator.
Thus insufficient souls seek solace from adversity.
His Prescience forebodes a decline in spiritual vigor among the living and, consanguineously (if not merely consequently) purgatory audits indicate a sharp upturn in candidature despite a rising pass mark.[1]
Our Deity behoves a steep incline in the road to success for each soul upon Earth who has spent more money on cell phones than on salvation.[2]
His Deliverance From Evil allows, in deference to the ‘free will’ clause, individuals to determine the dollar-value of salvation (equated to Cell contract costs for calendar last) and calculate their own claims. Supreme Assessment being the final arbiter, self-assessment merely a placebo. [3]
God admonishes that duality, sibling to creation ex nihilo, persist that His creatures harmonize their will with His. Thus plenteousness must not vanquish penuriousness.” [4]
Averment
SheepOverboard believes this averment will engage theology scholars for centuries hence and, apart from signaling immediate turmoil and hardship, will equate to long-term misfortune for mankind in general (due to resource-hogging scholarly preoccupation, just for starters).
Our publisher, whose rarity of pronouncements are second only to the Divine, said he was moved to comment on the divine, err, “press release” by its foreboding portent.
After meeting and speaking to Adam and Eve, and reputedly Cain, Noah, Abraham, Hagar (the list continues as our incredulity grows) – or as summarized by the Old Testament: ‘At sundry times and in diverse manners God spoke in times past’ – and then two millennia mum, it seems He has broken silence! ”
As I understand it, He communicated ‘..by a Son’, Jesus, who spent years issuing edicts on behalf of the Divine Spirit. Of course, He has released divine epistles heralded via omniscient representatives as recently as 1400 years ago, involving Muhammad.
.. and now .. this!! Stupendous!”
Some Earthly panic but generally well received
Initial reactions from religious quarters has tended to fall back (in astonished shock, we suspect, followed by many hurt feelings) on “‘gloom and doom” scenarios. One might say world regions are in a state of panic, having been passed over yet again.
With tremulous confidence, major religions aligned unerringly to claim God spoke to them exclusively, and asserted He confided to each of them that only other denominations would suffer.
The scientific community – well, those members whose constructs allow for deities – immediately began disagreeing (in a spirit of natural enquiry) about by which mechanisms God would impose His Will.
He cannot change the laws of the universe, though he might influence quantum effects, or tweak chaos a little, was the consensus (using the word ‘consensus’ very loosely, as we always must with scientists).
The epistle’s Godly subtlety apparently also allows lay people to “knock themselves out with speculation.” Most taxi drivers guess China will cop it first, as devastating or at least impeding that country would most effectively slow down rising affluence, they said, if they were God. That most of them agreed they didn’t really want to be.
Residents of affluent countries felt assured “third-world losers” would bear the brunt of misfortune, as God would see them an easy target.
After all, our standard of living is so high it would take too much effort, for little effect, to lower the world’s average. And it’s obvious God already has it in for them”
Third-worlders, not surprisingly, proffered the conversely that God would achieve ‘most bangs per buck’ by smiting affluent ‘westerners’. A wizened, hungry sage quietly told this Sheep Overboard reporter he believed God would allow Westerners yet a greater grip on the sallow throats of the exploited unfortunate billions.
Should foreigners allow us a chance to advance, this would be contrary to God’s intent, raising living standards across the globe too rapidly”
Pathetically remunerated SheepOverboard staffers stand to lose little, as does our famously unsuccessful publisher, so the mood around the office is one of relief.
The filthy rich said nothing but are known to be increasing security.
Supplemental
The spokesbeing supplementaly intoned God’s Displeasure, verging on Supreme Irritation, at the semantic nonsense surrounding ‘the Trinity.'”
In further swipes, the Creator wished it known that were he a lesser God (a blasphemous concept) He would be more than angry at Muslims’ literal-minded simplistic judgment on so-called ‘polytheistic infidels’, and, on the other hand (left or right not specified), hinted at apology for for unsolicited Christian crusades and missionaries, which He “never would have sanctioned.”
He intimated sympathy with the entire world for American evangelism.
He would (in this blasphemous lesser form) “urge scholars to get off the semantics bandwagon and clergy to lay off the franchises and branding. They might consider getting real jobs.”
He also requested the NRA to “kindly ease off a little.”
And a message for those killing others in His Name:
Piety, forgiveness, and fellowship were what I had in Mind when My Son said to love thy neighbor.”
[1] Hell is short on space.
[2] Money will be harder to come by.
[3] Self delusion, aka faith, probably won’t help.
[4] The jury’s still out on that one.