It’s 1999 and Internet dating is quite a thing.
And already, only the truly oblivious don’t wonder how wise
is putting it out there.
Those hairy fat perverts pretending a sweet young thing from whose wicked family she must escape, if only an air fare might deposit in her account.
Back then, in this wonderful provincial township, the staid old broadsheet found personals classifieds in this modern era still too indelicate for their traditional readers, though it eyed them enviously as that damned Interwebs was really, really starting to eat advertising revenue.
Across town in the offices of The Star – an advert-jammed tabloid giveaway – no such qualms paused the keyboards. It devoted every available column inch to persons seeking companionship, whatever the degeneration. “Horny creep with no moral boundary seeks female debauchee.” Ka-ching!
So it was that Throsby thought to commit his lonesomeness to a “personals classified,” his honest shingle swinging amid myriad swingers of apparent sexual abandon. But to compose a tempting promotional was a cruel lesson in self appraisal. And after reading all that follows below, those promiscuous word salads soiled his innocence and he gave up. The mission then was to find someone on the other side who had deftly leapt that hurdle.
He read perhaps hundreds of pleading messages constrained only by cost per letter and vocabulary – not, apparently, by inhibition or imagination. They the hopeful had also been reading and absorbing and composing in a feedback loop whereby phrase after glorious phrase morphed into fabulous, hilarious cliche.
Here are some.
Your irrepressible reaction follows …in italics.
-
Attractive bubbly 45yo lady, looks and feels much younger..
… you can’t easily tell a person’s age by feeling them -
Single man, 40, fit, intelligent, searching for a slim, witty babe for
adventure, travel, 4WD. I’m still stuck in the 80’s . Ph. me you retro
chicky babe before I get old and boring
… yeah, get him while he’s young and boring -
Terrific 68yo. Taurean lady, well spoken .. Seeks man of integrity, kind,
caring, funny, outgoing, loyal, who will be kind to my Maltese pooch.
… silly me. I thought you wanted a ROMANTIC PARTNER -
Attractive 36yo lady … Looking for a man born in 1959 or 1971
… umm, I was born in both of those years. Can I come over now? -
32yo lady .. seeks man 6’2″, NS, ND, solid build, dark hair and eyes and a
kind heart.. I know you’re out there somewhere.
… Noone called? Try metric, that’ll be 187.9599999999999 cm -
Two ladies, friendly, genuine, caring with GSOH seeking 2 males 45-55 who
enjoy fishing, BBQs, …
… and yes, we still go to ladies room together -
29yo mother likes horses, bands, outings, seeking .. must be a gentleman
and secured.
… handcuffed OK, prefer leg-irons -
Hi if you’re 50-62yo male looking for a lady 55 NS SD likes dancing BBQs
music movies dining in or out, please give me a ring
… or a car, or a house -
Bi couple looking for Bi couple interested in 4x4WD, beach, fishing…
… and 2x2on2 -
So many phonies, who is out there who is real? An intelligent, exquisitely
beautiful lady of genuinely loving action and faith in God seeks a gentle
kindhearted loyal for life, sincere, attractive, well-educated Christian
man who can value the sincerity of my heart above all earthly things
… He’s the messiah. I ought to know, I’ve followed a few.
-
Piscean seeking soul mate, 50’s, SS SD fit young at heart. I love animals,
boats, fishing, …
… Hi, I’m Nemo! -
40yo easy going gent NS, ND, into horses (Thoroughbreds). Looking for lady
30-40 years with genuine interest in horses
… if it doesn’t work out, there’s always the horses -
Single lady seeking permanent partner romantic passionate loving sincere
honest spontaneous GSOH, a good kisser who can steam up the car windows,
NS 48-58 around 5’10”, no body odor.
… dang, got me with the body odor! -
Where are you Prince Charming? I want to spend candlelit dinners at home
with you, romantic nights out, weekends away. I can light up your life
…
… with candles? -
A caring, educated, early 60s gentleman wishes to meet 50-60yo elegantly
slim 10-12 lady with no ties and time to experience a variety of new and
existing common interests as a friend and companion that may lead to a
romantic relationship.
… or may not. Next! -
Good 40yo man wanting to find the love of his life, NS SD GSOH, a thin,
pretty lady, between 30-40, singly loved woman, no divorcees or separated
ladies, no children
… err, this IS the REAL world, yes? -
Olivia, Filipino lady, could you please call Ron
… again, louder! -
40yo 6′ active intelligent modern guy GSOH morals and values, seeks
intelligent reasonably slim, reasonably attractive lady, friendship view
relationship
… unreasonably fat & unattractive don’t call -
A lady of 47 going onto 48 …
… as most 47 year olds are -
Lonely young man seeks a lonely mature lady 37-52 passionate, sensual,
cute, smart, naughty and nice. Wants a toyboy.
… mum, stop, I know it’s you -
Attractive lady seeking guy with GSOH, NS, enjoys dancing, dining out,
movies, well-groomed, romantic, loyal, must love animals for a permanent
relationship if compatible.
… compatible with your pets? -
Australian gent, Arackney, 71 years, would pass for 61 or 62, carry’s age
very well …
… honest, could be mistaken for 55 in total darkness -
Older man seeks an educated single Chinese or Japanese lady preferred
English not important.
… Language, I assume.
-
DTE fun-loving male 40yo WLTM attractive slim lady for friendship,
outings, conversation. No big girls please. …
… I’ll find out where the bastard lives and let you big girls know -
Fantasy man 35yo genuine, discreet, masculine, model looks, wishing to
meet lonely attractive women.
… and give them pleasure for money -
Swedish man 29, 6’3 fit and blonde, NS, SD, very GSOH, intelligent,
creative and gifted in the arts ….
… yeah, and I’m Tom Cruise -
Sixty-one yo looking for average Joe 60-70 yrs with no hang ups …
… but can still get it up -
Bitter twisted & disillusioned at 32, unattractive ungrateful wench
seeks 30-40yo man to be disloyal and dishonest with.
… I’ll … get back to you -
Interesting loving active retired lady …. … to enjoy quality times and
mutually interesting activities together.
… interesting yes. But romantic? -
Widow mid 70’s nice personality, with principles would like to meet
educated man
… doh! I only made it to vice-principles -
Woman 45yo slim attractive … seeking 35-40yo man …with a GSOH, extremely
clean (house clean). My children are grown up and looking for a man with
the same for good time and a great relationship. Genuine people only need
apply
… Huh? Am I dating you or your children – or both?? By the way, just how many kids are there? (so many questions) -
Ardent tall slim actor & p/t teacher. Young virile handsome romantic
50 NS caring cultured loyal sensitive new age. Old fashion values &
virtues. Simple tastes, pleasures. U: DTE Similar: Sensuous Sim/med 45-65
no ties Arts/craft: non-material. Ready: Co/Habit; Grow; Hear Mind Body
SOuld Mutual Creative Perm. Positive LTC Mates. Pref CC P/sula.
… Oh Hi! My name is .. .. arr forget it! -
Pisces lady 59 looking for an honest sincere, caring, down to earth man,
looks don’t matter. I’m 98kgs but losing it …
… Honey, we’re all losing it! -
Mum 38yo medium/cuddly size wishes to meet gen. guy on farm …
… find me in the pig pen -
Easy going fit guy NS ND intelligent GSOH mid-40s seeking a slender,
affectionate, calm and relaxed lady for permanent relationship
… must have own Valium -
Silver touches my temple yet I have a heart of gold … seeking a true,
loving partner.
… my body is bronzed, muscles of iron, steely willed, feet of lead, my dome approaching chrome, mercurial of temperament, tinny on dates, galvanized into action, copper by profession .. oh, and I live in the rust belt. Zincing of you … shall we meet in the brasserie? -
Cuddly employed 25yo living on peninsula into music, nights out and good
time…
… most peninsulas are into water -
Feminine lady 54 slim DTE caring honest … WLTM genuine male to share life
50-59 view relationship. No mobiles.
… aww, can’t I just keep it turned off? -
Hi, 40yo male new to area likes footy nights at home …
… yo, home boy. We don’ do footy nights ‘roun dis hood -
Male 37yo 6′, big fella requires soulmate companionship, n/s, s/d, enjoys
4WD, quiet nights in out going to movies, travelling, etc.
… and be sure to bring the “big fella” gift-wrapped -
Male 24yo no strings attached, quite, loyal … like to meet lady, age open,
genuine, slim, no strings attached.
… OK, we’ve clarified the “no strings” policy, now about that blind, forgiving love -
27yo wheeling, NS, GSOH …like to meet fit girl with GSOH 24-30yo
… wheeling? I’m missing something here -
32yo solid build gentleman seeking lady .. must like bbq’s, picnics, must
be affectionate, must have good personality
… you vill comply? Jawohl Herr Kapitan -
40yo sole parent .. not into pubs, clubs or church but believe in God. I
love ethics, animals, kids & wilderness. Seeking soulmate of similar
makeup
… ethics? I love ethics – oh, I meant ethicals. Is that close? -
Grandfather, 77, widower, seeking convivial campany (male and female) on
drives to various places, ferry trips, galleries,…
… “campany” – very rad, gramps! -
Good looking educated ambitious Asian girl looking for someone special.
Must be employed …
… part of me say ‘Yes!’, part say ‘Run away!’ -
Hi I am 59yo blonde hair brown eyes 5’4″ tall NS SD I like walking, dining
out, going to the movies. If you would like to get in contact p lease give
me a call.
…. seeking blonde eyes, brown hair -
Seeking a rural man around 50. I have blue eyes brown hair, slender,
stylish, gentle, articulate, inquisitive and loyal, cares for ecology,
enjoys animals, horse riding, biology, computers, reading, cultural
events, dining, dancing, financially secure, would like to hear from
similar rural NS male.
… oops, wrong planet -
Christian 47yo looking for a Christian partner who loves church and his
Lord. Take me as I am to enjoy the good times together
… yo! Ready for a born-again sinner! -
Caring man 49 GSOH SD SS medium build no ties enjoys films sport beach
nights out seeks lady to early 60s with no ties for friendship possible
relationship
… so, neither of us should wear a tie? -
Caring 27yo looking for a lady to spend my life…
… but not my money -
Free to good home 31yo active male, affectionate and loyal, big brown eyes
and coat, not desexed, house trained, known to bite. Enjoys days out.
Seeks friendly pussy cat for friendship or relationship
… promise not to lick balls on first date -
Financial business man. I am generous, kindhearted and loving gentleman.
Seeking same, slim 18-25 for relationship, free accommodation.
… for me, that is -
… and you are between 40-48 give us a call. Myself, 48yo, tall, blue eyes,
easy going.
… Hello, err .. is “Myself” there – um .. could I speak to “Myself”? -
New to area, 6′ brown hair, … looking for TLC, age open, looks aren’t
major so long as you have GSOH, shy ladies apply
… wo! Careful! Really should add that time-proven filter “slim, attractive”? -
Racehorse, 38, putting himself out to stud Looking for greener pastures.
No weeds or thistles, Fine looking stallion in search of good looking
mare..
… join me and live the metaphor -
Respectable tall mid-60s gent, div. no ties, non alcoholic or gambler, no
tattoo, retired, fin. sec. Good appear. Active, likes garden, dancing,
bicycle, current events, trips, humor, affection, garlic prawns, calamari
& more…
… way too much information -
Hi, I am 21yo with nice blue eyes. I love boats, fishing, travelling,
walking along the beachfront at nights and staying weekends away. Looking
for lady 18-21 years.
… to carry the fishing nets, no doubt -
52yo male seeks lady to same age. GSOH, NS, SD, Easygoing type, view to
becoming the King and Queen of eBay.
… Sex to the highest bidder -
Single 18yo seeking attractive, intelligent, affectionate, romantic,
loving. WLTM 26yo man. I would love to meet you asap. See you soon I
hope.
… smokin!!
Glossary ~ Personals Acronyms Explained
Not only the acronyms need explaining, but those strange coded words and phrases.
So you are new to this. What exactly is that (strange mysterious) person saying in their advertisement? After all, you don’t want to make a fool of yourself – at least not immediately.
Ladies, when men specify “slim attractive lady”, you should be very wary. A man who wants ‘slim attractive’ has done YOU a favor – skip him! He wants a dream, not a person.
Men, don’t say that!! There isn’t a woman on Earth who believes she IS “slim and attractive” and yet doesn’t desperately wish to be. Examine your motives for even thinking that.
5’4, 6’1″, etc – height in feet+inches [multiply feet by 12
for inches, total inches by 2.5 for centimeters, then divide by 100 for
meters]
BBQ – barbecue (shrimps are NOT barbequed in Australia;
only the cheapest, toughest cuts of beef steak and totally-inedible,
indigestible sausages)
Caring – not wife beater, at least
Christian – code for non-Moslem
Cuddly – 150% overweight or greater
Dancing – breaking him in
Dining out – wild sex
DTE – Down to Earth (and if you are lucky, not an alien)
Div – Divorced (so they say)
Financially secure – you that is, because I’m out of
work
For friendship – wild sex
GSOH – Good sense of humor
Guy – gay with Australian accent
Lady – female with shameful past
Lesbian – east Mediterranean
Medium size – cuddly, by the time we meet
Must be employed – you, as I said, because I’m out of
work
Mutually interesting – the best hoped for by two boring
people
New age – just had birthday
ND – non-drinker
NS – non smoker
Nice personality – known to speak
Possible relationship – wild sex
Quality time – wild sex
Quiet nights at home – wild sex
Refined lady – slut alert
Rural man/woman – stubble jumper; expects you to have a
horse, or at the very least transport for theirs
SD – social drinker
SS – social smoker
Sensitive – apologises while beating you
Size – Needs a webpage of its own! Varies by country, so
take care. Assume dress size – few ladies boast their breast parameters.
Slim – only 20-50% overweight – or, just started to diet
Thin – haven’t eaten today
Walks on the beach – wild sex
WLTM – would like to meet
WLM – would like meat
yo – years old (or I’m from the hood, homey)